Help! Just had an argument with my sister on the phone - any other views on this be appreciated - I am single?

Mum to one lovely little 3 year old girl. Anyway, she has a severe skin condition and so is registered as disabled and is on an intensive evening/day treatment programme. I am her registered carer.





Since she was born my sister has never be of any pragmatic help - no-one has. I don't expect any medals, as any good parent knows you adore your kids and so get on with it.





The problem is my sister is so snippy at me - she thinks that being a stay at home Mum, without a partner and help is easy. She for example tonight when I said I had not had a great weekend as I was really ill (not that you can call in sick being a Mum! Just meant really long days...) and I said that I feel tired as I have not had a day off for 3 years.





At this comment she said that you don't get a day off having a child (I know that I just mean that since all the sleepless nights etc etc I have never had an evening/night/day break so feel worn out) that children are a lifestyle choice and that paid work

Help! Just had an argument with my sister on the phone - any other views on this be appreciated - I am single?
Sounds like she is jealous of you, dont worry about it.
Reply:she needs shooting, contact me if you need ammunition.
Reply:well it is a choice but yet she has no idea how hard it is to raise kids so i wud say u were right
Reply:This thing you are describing is a feeling called suffering. Everyone has it, and it is understood. Lets not compare it, just understand it, and come from a place of empathy or compassion. If not, then forgive.
Reply:Sometime when we communicate, what we want to come out of our mouth isn't what other people hear! You are just real tired, and real emotional. Try and get some rest, both you and your child, and enjoy Thanksgiving too :)
Reply:don't worry, she does sound jealous and most of all...she is probably shocked because maybe she thought you werent going to be able to do it and you are.


Also she wouldnt understand because she doesnt have a kid, but when she does and she tells you she is tired you can say well there is nothing I can do because you never believed me when I use to tell you so.


Keep being an awsome mom to your lil girl and when she grows up teach her on the right path and she will always be thankful for you.
Reply:What is the question, or are you just venting?
Reply:listen i'm a bloke and i know how hard it is, we have two, and both of us are home all day.





she hasn't a clue what you mean, give her her neice for the weekend and that will soon change her opinion.
Reply:She sounds a bit pissed off. Can't see why. You, like everyone else in the world, are free to express their opinon on any given topic (including your own kid). It sounds like you are doing a bang up job so I wouldn't take it to heart. She might have had a bad week or so and just got a bit overly snappy with you. You must love your daughter a lot.





EDIT


What about the dad? Or your parent. Do they support you?
Reply:Several things:





1) Sis needs a major reality check.


2)If you are not married, then you are single. Whether you have a child or not has nothing to do with it.


3)It is true that you don't get days off from being a mom. But that doesn't mean you can't get help, such as a baby sitter.





And from what you describe, you really do need some help.





Good luck to the little girl.
Reply:Where are the grand parents? They should be there to at least give you an evening to get out and relax. Children are a blessing but does not mean one has to martyr themselves on there behalf. You need to find a way to get out for a few hours of me time...quit being the martyr....life does not stop cause your a single parent.
Reply:I am a stay at home mum too! Unlike you though I am married but I know what you mean when people think you have it easy of you stay at home and that you have all the time in the world to sit around and do whatever. I always remind my friends and family that they leave there work I don't, I am at my place of work 24/7 and have constant reminders of my inadequacies (a big pile of ironing for a start!) Your daughter is ill and you are her carer, Im sure when she starts school that you might have an oppertunity to work.


She has no kids so she has no idea what it is like to be a parent. I can speak from both sides because I have 3 kids and I have worked full time and part time and now given up. I have a hard job but I do feel undervalued by my near and dear sometimes too. I don't think however, that you should let this rift carry on with your sister. Be the bigger person and ring her back first and just say you are sorry you fell out with each other and you would like her to support you in your choice to be a stay at home mum and you will support her too.


Never let the sun set on an argument or you will cointinue to be upset. Good Luck to you xx
Reply:Well, without hearing the tone of her voice or yours for that matter,


Could it be that she thought that you were fishing for a babysitter and "time off".





Maybe your sister is feeling the same pressures and sleeplessness as you are and is tired of hearing complaints about it.





In the end, I do applaud you for giving up "your personal life" in favor of raising your child. This is very important.





We can always look for love later on down the road, but we cannot go back and re raise our children. We only get one opportunity to do that one, so might as well do it correctly.
Reply:She is probably just over tired and snappy beacuse of it. It is true that staying home seems to be the easy option, but as a mum of three young ones I know that it is nice to go to work!


Yes we all love our children unconditionally, and will care for them without question. But hey we are all only human, and we are allowed to get tired and a little fed up.





I am the mum of 3, healthy children, they are tough work, and i can see your job as a Mom is harder than most. Your sis has annoyed you a little, so put it down to her being grumpy, I am sure she must see what a great job you do, supporting and rearing your daughter alone!!





I care for my partner who is ill, and I am also an official carer, so I can relate to how you feel.





Keep it up!
Reply:Your sister is an idiot . she thinks she is better than you tell her to bug off and she needs to mind her own business . good luck and god bless.
Reply:I HAVE 4 CHILDREN. MY MAN IS AROUND, BUT I DO 90% OF THE CARE TAKING. I'VE ALWAYS WORKED ON TOP OF IT. JUST HAD ANOTHER ABOUT 11 WEEKS AGO, SO I'VE BEEN HOME SINCE THEN, BUT WILL BE GOING BACK SOON.





*WE JUST HAD A CONVERSATION LAST NIGHT ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE HE WANTED TO STAY UP LATE. HE DOESN'T SYMPATHIZE EITHER. I TOLD HIM I WAS TIRED. HE SAID WELL YOU'RE AT HOME ALL DAY RIGHT NOW, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN'T SLEEP. MY OLDER 2 GO TO SCHOOL, BUT I STILL TEND TO A 22 MONTH OLD AND A 2 MONTH OLD, AND NO I CANNOT JUST LAY DOWN AND REST.. I STARTED TO GO INTO HOW I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MUCH SLEEP IN THE LAST WEEK, AND THEN I WENT ON TO SAY, WELL FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS, OR ACTUALLY THE LAST 7 YEARS FOR THAT MATTER.





CHILDREN ARE WORK. PAY FOR A SITTER ONCE IN A WHILE AND TAKE CARE OF YOU!!
Reply:sounds to me like u need to get a boyfriend and a babysitter (separate people) and go out and get a bit of life before you get even more depressed





this is doing u no good and in the long run its not doin your child any good either





if you deserve a happier time ... go get it !
Reply:No-one can make you feel anything- its up to you how you react to her, and whether you choose to believe in yourself or listen to what others think. Hold your head up high, dont get get sucked into justifying yourself and stop these patterns. It will annoy the 'you know what out' of your sister as she gets satisfaction from attacking your vulnerability. So stop giving her that satisfaction!





Dont moan to her about being tired- wrong person! Moan to someone who appreciates what youre doing and how hard it it. If you cant find someone then moan to yourself! Youre just setting yourself up every time. To her- talk about the great things about being a Mom!





Be proud- and dont allow people who cant see your worth keep trying to put you down.





Em:-)
Reply:i get where you are coming from, i am a stay at home mum, but i am not single and because my hubby works i dont get any financial help, so yeah a lifestyle choice and you cut down dont get stuff for yourself and get stuff for your kid instead. but its hard cause its not just for 6 months is it. we dont have family or friends nearby so its just me and baby and cause hubby works and needs his sleep i do most of the caring for both of them, and havent had a day off either, at least when you are working you can talk about having a day of but being a mum people just laugh, it stinks this country needs us to have kids whose gonna work when we are all pensioners, ps it cost a fortune to put them in nursery so even if you did work it would be to pay childminders, i think a society who doesn t bring their own kids up has only got asbos to look forward to.
Reply:i have a disabled son of19 and i can understand your situation.Have you tried inviting your sister to stay with you for a couple of days so that she can see what you have to put up with.If you are finding it to much to bear have you tried respite care?if only for a couple of hours,contact you doctors surgery for further information,do you have a parent who could care for your daughter for a day giving you a much needed break.Contact carers uk--www.carersuk.org--for a wealth of information for carers do not give up as it is worth all the hard work bringing up your daughter especially when you can see that you have made a difference to her life.
Reply:I'm sorry that I cannot give any advise to you as I am a firm believer in brothers and sisters going their own way after they grow up and get out on their own.





I have three brothers all married and with children. We never visit.





My mother had five brothers and sisters and they all lived in different cities and states. Hardly ever saw each other.





Same with my dad.....he had six brothers and sisters. Sort of stayed in touch until their mother died. All live in other cities and states.





Most families that say they are "close" usually argue all the time. Family get together are a pain.





I think you need to get a girl friend to talk with. Or maybe a group that is going through what you are going through. How about hiring someone to give you a 24 hour break a couple times per month. So that you can rest and relax.





Do not call your sister. If she calls you, don't tell her your troubles. It is clear to see that she does not want to hear your woos.





Could it be that you are telling her your troubles too often and she is just very tired of hearing it over and over? Next time talk about something upbeat; something pleasant. Give her a break.
Reply:It just sounds like your sister is possibly having a bad day herself. As you have known for three years, choosing the profession of motherhood is an always rewarding, but always difficult profession at the same time. Sometimes, those without the experience of parenthood cannot fully appreciate the beating a parent's body and soul can take just from the constant caring of others.





Your daughter also has severe health issues. This adds to the stress. Even parents with healthy children might not respond to you as compassionately as they should.





You deserve to be treated with respect and care as well. And I completely understand your issue with lack of sleep or having a day off. I think the last daytime nap I took, or morning I slept in, was more than 12 years ago.





God bless your efforts! Your story amazes me. I am sorry it does not bring out the tender side in your sister. I would suggest patience, but you really need to spend it on your child and not adults who act like one.
Reply:I understand your need. I am a SAHM too and I am often tired of being needed all the time by everyone and no one considers it difficult to be a mom....If you were near by I would invite you for coffee or tea and we could juggle kids and just sit....you probably do need a break. I wish I could help
Reply:OK you are tired your sister is tired.


She probably wishes she had children and maybe stay at home.


You wish you could go to work and earn more money for yourself and your daughter and are trying to take steps to just do that with a degree course but have the underlying worry of your daughters condition which your sister probably does not and will not be able to take on board until and hopefully never does experience it.





She may wish that she could take a degree course but is so tired after work she has not the energy and is envious of you for having it.





I do not think either of you is 100% right and I would not wish to apportion any blame.





The incident has bitten deep because you are at a low ebb and all I can suggest is you get a nights sleep. Sometimes Social Services have a form of respite care or know someone who does. It may well be worth a try for say 5 days away with your daaughter being looked after by someone else or time away with her wwhen someone else could take over some of the duties at night to ensure you get sleep.Are there any mother a child groups about say as is often the case with the local church (any denomination)





I am thankful that I have never had this problem and wish you well, so dry those tears wash your face get yourself a cup of tea and a biscuit or something to eat and, go to bed. Night Night and God Bless
Reply:Your sister will never understand, she's never been in your shoes. It's kind of like teenagers, they believe adults don't understand them either, like they are the only ones who have problems.





I admire what you're doing and I'm going to say this: Being a mom has it's own rewards, but it doesn't have vacation or sick time, you won't be paid for it and there's no promotions or retirement package at the end.





While she is your sister, don't let what she said get to you, she's not the one doing what you're doing, hang in there. Sisters' can be your best friend and your worst enemy, they can also hurt you the most.





Maybe she had a bad day herself, so try not talking to her for a time, I think she will figure out on her own, how wrong she was for making such a broad generalization.
Reply:There is no point in trying to get someone like her to understand. You are fighting a losing battle with her. I'm a single parent of 3 boys so I know how hard it can be.





No one has the right to judge a situation until they have been in that situation them selves. And self righteous people piss me right off!!!





I believe in Karma so maybe you should give it a go. It helps trust me.





Good luck to you honey xxx
Reply:It sounds to me that she is jealous, dont let her get you down, you know that you are doing a wonderful job,and it would be nice to have a little bit of a "well done" sometimes, but other people dont think,


Being a stay at home mum is one of the hardest jobs ever, but the rewards certainly out weigh the hardship.


Maybe if she ever has kids ,she will understand and appreciate all the hard work that goes in to it,


Well done on the great job you are doing. xxx
Reply:Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior with out your permission."





I'm a single mother of three, and just acquired a part time boyfriend. I get the same thing from him.





The truth is parenting alone is an intimate experience. No one knows what your going threw but you. I can relate, lot of single mom's all over the world can relate. And you should look into some single parenting alliances, and support groups.





Don't pay any attention to what she's saying. It's like my six year old letting me she's going to the store to get us Christmas presents with a five cent piece. You can't hold it against her, because she has no idea what she's talking about. I do see that you are insecure about your roll in life, because you've let this get to your emotions. Either that or you hold your sister's opinion in such esteem that you'll let her bring you down.





You are the most important person in your life. If you weren't there to take care of your child, who would. You are so important. There is no telling what your child could become in the future, and thanks to you.





Don't let the opinion of one influence your life.
Reply:Your sister is probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over... Chances are, your conversational skills have nose dived into being nothing but a repitition of your daughter's day/latest acheivement/medical problems/etc... If you feel like maintaining a tie with your sister, try talking about things that interest HER too... Beside the she works/you stay at home issue... there is also the fact that she EARNS her money while you have your hand out... That in itself is annoying... The easiest cure for your problem with your sister is... just don't talk to her...
Reply:I know how you feel, up until a few years ago I was a single mum of three very active, perfectly healthy boys (I have been married for the past few years) and it was terribly difficult. I had been on my own for over 3 years with them and was never able to take time off (not complaining, just fact) and at times I wish I could just find someone to keep them for just a couple of hours so I could recoup. There was a week that I had bronchial pneumonia and had no one to lean on. I felt horrible, not just physically but emotionally as well, because I was terrified I would get my babies sick.


Anyway, after all that has happened things have gotten easier as they have grown and I am sure things will work out for you as well. Never mind your sister, if she doesn't have any children she won't have a full appreciation of your situation. Good luck.
Reply:So what was the argument about? It appears that you're upset because your sister was unsympathetic. Woman up! Stop looking to other people to validate you.